We’ve fast forwarded slightly since my last update. The last few weeks have been a bit of a blur of extreme fatigue (falling asleep on the toilet at 2pm was a highlight!), headaches, nausea and food aversions. I zombied my way through weeks 6 & 7 wondering whether the illusive ‘pregnancy glow’ was actually a myth. The spotting had continued pretty much every other day since our first scare at 6 weeks. I’d kept the Gynae department informed, and tried to contact my GP a couple of times but was faced with the more than obstructive receptionist who insisted that because I was pregnant, I was not permitted to see my GP and had to wait to hear from my midwife at around 10 weeks. Emotions were pretty high too, and I think we can safely say that pregnancy hormones have taken over. Feeling so bloody crap, I got myself in a state about not being able to do the things I normally would — even hoovering the living room renders me useless for the rest of the day and getting out and socializing is just out of the question. One thing people didn’t warn me about was how lonely this early pregnancy lark can get sometimes. Only you know how you’re feeling, so trying to describe that and not sound like a moany drama queen is quite hard. I am learning very quickly that no one pregnancy is the same as well meaning close friends and family share their experiences.
The beginning of this week however, I started to feel a little more human. I managed to get myself through Sunday without falling asleep and get out with the dog for a little wander before having people over for a Sunday roast. Is this when everything will calm down and I might start to feel a bit more like me again? Or is it a sign that something is wrong with the baby? All the time I feel like crap it means that baby is taking everything he / she needs – is it really okay that I feel better? I know right, there’s just no pleasing some people.
I woke up on Monday feeling as fit as a fiddle, even getting up to my first alarm rather than my normal morning routine of hitting snooze 100 times and then rushing out of the door 10 minutes later. I’d gotten through the morning without a hint of a hankering for ready salted crisps and held out for lunch until I got home rather than having to grab something on the way. All very odd. Perhaps that glow was about to come too!
I got home, had some lunch and then jumped in the bath. All fine. And then, just as I settled myself on the sofa to catch up on ‘The Fall’, I felt something strange in my knickers. Almost as though I had wet myself, just a little bit. Sitting on the toilet a moment later, seeing red as I looked down, I felt the fear that had been lingering deep inide take over the whole of my body. I was loosing this baby. I’d failed at keeping this little miracle safe. Sean was due home any minute and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sob. He arrived home and together we phoned my mum and then 111. They referred me straight away to the out of hours doctor who was so lovely. She tried to reassure me, insisting that bleeding was perfectly normal during the first trimester is, and how she’d be on hand all evening if I needed anything or if anything changed. She booked me a scan at the Emergency Gynae ward in Pembury, but the earliest they could see me would be Thursday. Until then I was to sit tight, avoid activity and take a few days off work while keeping a track of things. Those two days, I sat glued to the spot in my pjs and under the duvet, my sister over for company and on lunch duty. The bleeding had stopped late Monday night, more or less and had returned to spotting by Tuesday morning. Heavy spotting.
Thursday came and until now the only people who knew what was going on was myself, Sean, my Mum & Libby. And work of course. I think Sean could do the drive to Pembury hospital in his sleep, he’s had to do it so many times this year. We drove pretty much in silence and arrived at the Gynae ward early taking up our normal seats (I reckon they actually reserve them for us now!). Thankfully, the sonographer was running ahead and so saw us pretty much immediately. This time they were going to try an external scan rather than internal. We talked through what had been going on and picking up on my anxiety she got straight to the point. On went the jelly and within seconds the black and white blurry picture was up on her screen. I closed my eyes not wanting to look. “Well there’s definitely a heart beat” she said. “And look, your little one is waving!” You know that feeling of utter relief? The build up of tension in every single bone in my body released and I felt my eyes start to well up. And then before I could even think about what I was saying… “Waving!? Bloody Waving!? After all that!?”. Safe to say the sonographer was a little taken aback. But my goodness, the cheeky little monkey was waving away seemingly without a care in the world and growing nicely. There was nothing to suggest why the bleeding had happened, except the possibility of an inflamed cervix.
The next morning, like a switch had flipped, all of the symptoms I had had the week before returned and I had my first bought of actual sickness. We were back to normal with the knowledge that our little drama baby was safe and sound. Thank God for that.