In just a few weeks, this tiny little wriggler living in my tummy will join us in the outside world. I will have a daughter who relies on me and her Daddy for everything. For food, drink, a home. For love, guidance and protection. From the moment I looked down and saw those two pink lines appear, every decision I have made over the last 36 weeks and five days has been for her. In fact, looking back, most of the decisions I’ve made since I left school were driven by my desire to have a family of my own.
In 2013, I made the decision to remove a person from my life after nearly ten years of living with their violent and aggressive outbursts, their lies, their threats and their bitterness, in a bid to protect myself from the frequent turmoil they would bring into my world whenever they were around. It was a form of self preservation. This person had stepped over one too many lines, placed one too many cherries on the top of the overly iced cake and I could take it no more. Biology & bloodlines had been the only thing that had stopped me walking away before, but even that didn’t matter any more.
That decision however, was not a popular one. Not with that person or with others who had been blinded by the lies he told and had happily accepted them while we chose not to air our dirty laundry in public. Cutting ties with him meant losing a lot of other people from my life too, whether that was their intention or not.
When I announced I was pregnant, there was a lot of expectation that all would be forgiven, forgotten even, because suddenly my daughter’s arrival would mean this person would inherit a new ‘family role’ and therefore somehow deserved to be a part of our lives again. The phrase “It’s not just you you have to think about any more.” was even used at one point. It sort of left me flabbergasted for a while there and for the tiniest moment (literally about 3 seconds) I began to doubt myself.
However, as I sit here today, I am reminded how very lucky I am to be surrounded by people who would never, ever put me in a position where I felt threatened or vulnerable. I am loved by the most amazing man who really would do anything for me and who will be the best father our daughter could ask for. I have my biggest and most loyal allies in my Mum & sister who together are a force to be reckoned with. I have friends and family close to me who I can rely on for pretty much anything at the drop of the hat. And with a little help from all of them, I am the strongest most happiest I have ever been. I have everyone in my life I could ever need.
I do not trust this person around me, so as a mother why in the world would I trust him with the most precious person in my life? Some might call me selfish and stubborn, heartless maybe, jeeze this morning I was even called evil but whoever told me that it’s not just me anymore was right, there is a little girl about to enter the world who needs her Mummy to be strong and to protect her from all the things that could harm her little world. And that’s just what I will do.